Monday, December 12, 2011

A Tribute to My Mother

“Maureen...had such a soft way about her. Her kindness and smile always touched my heart. That is the reason I named my daughter 'Maureen'…”
“She was a beautiful person inside and out.” 

“Maureen was such a blessing…”

“…she was not only my favorite neighbor but a wonderful sister in the Lord. She let Jesus shine through her in a special way. Jesus was waiting for her at heavens door and I can hear Him say come in my faithful servant…we will always be thankful for her kindness and service towards us at Bishop…opening her Home to hold Bible studies and share her faith with her neighbors.We will always have such fond memories of your mom it was such a special time for all of us when we were up in Bishop.” 

“It broke my heart to learn that I could not have more days with her…she was…a charming bright lady…I was so looking forward to seeing her…”

“She was a joy to be around…a blessing in my life that I will cherish always.”

“It was a true blessing to be able to meet Maureen”

“She was a special lady, whose kindness and smile I will…miss.”

“News of her passing brought deep sadness to me…she will be deeply missed…Maureen, has always been my friend and my inspiration and like no one else seemed to understand (marriage difficulties) …she encouraged me, loved and supported me…”

It’s obvious from the things shared above that my mother was known by others to be a woman of stellar character, kind spirit and loving heart.  From my own perspective she was the best mother in the world.  In her I found comfort, love and security…she was my confidant and my best friend.  She was also one of the most other-centered people I’ve ever known.  

My mom was all this and much more, despite the fact that she had anything but a carefree, easy life…no…in fact…the word ‘turbulent' is a lot more accurate.  But instead of defeat, she found victory in the midst of her trials and tribulations because they drove her to the foot of the Cross...to her Savior, Jesus Christ.  They became the tools God used to refine and test her faith and shape her character into His image.  By far Mom’s last month was the worst, as far as trials and tribulations go, yet in the midst of extreme physical pain and mental anguish, she still managed to reach out to others offering words of encouragement and hope in the faithfulness of God.
 
My mother's sense of humor was one of her finest qualities, something I really only began to appreciate after the stroke that left her debilitated four years ago.  I loved how she always made herself the brunt of her humor.  She was my hero.  I long for that quality in my life…I have a loooooong way to go…just ask my kids…they’ll tell you “humor” skipped a generation…they may be right...because I'm about to get very serious.

Like I said, the last month of Mom’s life was the worst and many times I found myself asking that infamous question, “WHY?”   Of course comforting answers from scripture reminded me that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us” …that we don’t need to lose heart when our outward man is perishing because our inward man is being renewed day by day. “For our light affliction which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory…”  If these words are true and I believe they are with all my heart…because it’s God’s WORD…they’re His promises… then my mom shines bright with God’s glory at this very moment…and one day we will all see it and everything she went through in this life will finally make sense.

I forget which brother said it, but at one point during her last few weeks on earth the thought was communicated that maybe it wasn’t just about Mom…maybe those of us who were privileged to be with her in the end had something to learn from all this.  That got my mind running in a new direction…instead of asking, “Why?” I started asking, “What?”  “What do You want me to learn from this Lord?”

This is what I came away with…three things...

1.  At the end of our lives stuff doesn’t matter, success doesn’t matter, bank accounts don’t matter but LOVE matters…how we love others really matters…that was the only thing that caused my mom any angst in the end. She wondered if she had loved well enough.

2. The second thing I learned was not really new but definitely reinforced by watching my mom’s end of life process. That is…no one can ever be ‘good enough’ for heaven.  If anyone could have been my mom would have been…she stood heads above the crowd in all the things that really mattered.   I’d heard that its normal during the dying process to take inventory of one's life. Well I’m here to tell you that for my mom that became a very messy process.  She was racked with feelings of inadequacy and despair that she had fallen terribly short…that she had failed as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister…  Ironically the very thing she had excelled at…loving others…she thought she’d failed miserably.  I believe that in her final hours, my mother was given glimpses of God’s magnificent perfection…His GLORY…His love…  In light of that, she saw the true condition of her heart in ways she’d never seen it before...she saw that perfection is the requirement; nothing short of it will stand before the throne of God.  She realized her account came up terribly short…she was in debt…spiritually speaking…in every way and she knew it.  She would say things like, “I’m not worthy, I’m not ready; I don’t deserve heaven.”

Now you might be thinking…well this is not very encouraging...if someone like your mom felt that way where does that leave someone like me? 
But wait a minute… I have good news…the same good news we continually reminded Mom of when physical pain and mental misery got the best of her…the same good news that calmed her weary soul over and over again, settling her mind and giving her great peace; the same good news that gave me courage and hope to walk with her to the end…and the same good news I pray each of us will remember at the end of our lives…

The Good News is…Jesus paid it all!  We owe a debt we can not possibly pay… He paid the debt He did not owe.  
God says the wages (debt) of sin is death, but the free gift of God in eternal life in Christ Jesus…  “He who knew no sin became sin for us that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”  Jesus Christ’s death on the cross; paid the price for our sin; reconciled us back to God…basically set our account strait.  God also says that if through Jesus’ death we are reconciled to Him, how much more are we saved by His life…His resurrected LIFE…granted freely to all who believe!

By God’s account we all fall short of His glory…His perfection…a quick run down the list of His ten commandments is enough to prove that fact… And if we don’t realize this today, I can almost guarantee that we will before we depart from planet earth… 

At that point how shall we respond?  There are only two possibilities…we can deceive ourselves into thinking we are righteous enough…good enough... or we can accept the fact that not only are we not good enough but whatever “righteousness” we’ve tried produce looks like filthy rags compared to God’s standard of perfection. 

Jesus talks about these two different groups of people in the gospels.  He told the story of two men who came to present their gifts before the altar…one a Pharisee…one a lowly tax collector.  The Pharisee convinced of his own righteousness, came in all high and mighty talking to himself about how good he was.  He prayed, “Oh God I thank you that I’m not like other men…extortioners, unjust, adulterers…even this tax collector…I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all I possess.”  Meanwhile the tax collector stood afar off, and would not so much as lift his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast saying, “God, be merciful to me a sinner!”  That was my mom…she was like that tax collector…the one Jesus commended, saying he was justified rather than the Pharisee. 
   
Jesus also talked about a group of people that will come to Him in the end saying, “Lord, Lord” but shall not enter the kingdom of Heaven, because they did not do His Father’s will. Apparently, MANY will try to hold up a list of all the good things they did in Jesus name (their credentials so to speak)…How they prophesied, cast out demons, and did many other wonderful things…and He will declare to them, “I never knew you!  Depart from Me…” 


It is definitely not the Father’s will that we consider our good works the reason we deserve heaven.  It’s insulting to blood of His Son...

3.  Which brings me to the last thing I learned at my mother’s bedside.  I now have a new understanding of the Father’s heart as He watched His Son suffer and die upon the cross.  Many times I would have rather switched places with my mom than to have watched her agony.  I believe the heartbreak of watching a loved-one suffer is far beyond any other pain.  I believe that’s what the Father felt as gave up His only begotten Son for us…He felt His own heartbreak.  Why would He willingly subject Himself to that?  The Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”  Why did He do it? He did it all for LOVE…love SO amazing…indescribable, incomparable, unconditional LOVE!  The same love that my mom is basking in at this very moment!   


My prayer for all of us today is that we would be able to comprehend that love…to know...to experience...the width and length and depth and height of it...the love of Christ that passes all understanding.




Sunday, December 11, 2011

Grief: A New Companion

Definition of 'emote' - to express emotion…  I haven’t been doing this well lately.  In fact, ‘emotionally constipated’ is a better description of my current state of being.  I am hoping that writing will help.  The process of forming thoughts suitable for publication requires digging deep into my heart for words…right words…truthful words…words that ‘tell it like it is’.  It’s a messy process and the delete key is my best friend, but in the end, more often than not, I find peace…indescribable peace.  So please bear with me…

Truth is I have been emoting…but, like I said, just not well.  My emotions have run the gamut between angry frustration and joyful peace with a lot of just-plain-numb in between.  I believe this is the definition of ambivalence.  Unfortunately, my husband has born the brunt of my confusion as displaced emotions erupt over insignificant things.  Poor man is weary of this roller coaster ride and quite frankly, so am I.   

Lord Jesus, help us…

I am grieving.  On October 29, 2011 my mother passed away and I miss her.  This world is a much darker place now without her.  Despite this, I grieve with hope because I’m sure of two things; that my mom is standing before the throne of God basking in the love of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and that I will see her again when we meet on eternity's shores.  This hope is an anchor to my weary storm-tossed soul.  Nonetheless, on this side…where I live…nighttime has set in and darkness abounds. 

To everything there is a season…

“Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” 
Definition of 'weep': to shed (tears) as an expression of emotion: weep bitter tears of remorse…to express grief or anguish for; lament… 

Jesus wept.  Shedding tears is an acceptable way to emote. 

I would love to weep right now, if only to experience the joy that follows.  I think a good cry would help me feel better, but tears elude me. Sounds very self-serving doesn't it?  In moments of grief, just when I’m about to break down…everything shuts down and my tears dry up before they start to fall, then instead of relief, numbness sets in...very dissatisfying.


Don’t misunderstand, I do cry, just not over the right things.  I cry over stupid, self-centered things like why isn’t he (Chuck) considering ME…MY feelings, MY needs.  No joy follows those tears.  What is wrong with me that my tears shed only for selfish reasons?  My heart is in serious need of repair…

Lord Jesus, please fix me…

Jesus wept about right things.  He wept when others grieved.  He wept for His friends.  When Martha and Mary’s faith was tested in the dark valley of their brother, Lazarus’ death, Jesus wept for them.  

Is it possible Lord, that You are weeping for me? 

This morning’s devotional from Streams in the Desert was based on Psalm 134:1-3…

Behold, bless the LORD,
​​All you servants of the LORD,
​​Who by night stand in the house of the LORD!
 ​​Lift up your hands in the sanctuary,
​​And bless the LORD.
The LORD who made heaven and earth
​​Bless you from Zion!

This commentary followed…

“Strange time for adoration, you say, to stand in God’s house by night, to worship in the depth of sorrow—it is indeed an arduous thing.  Yes, and therein lies the blessing, it is the test of perfect faith…”

Hummm…how true…worshiping the Lord right now in this night season is very hard; standing in His house acknowledging His presence is hard; lifting my hands to Him in sweet surrender is hard.  But right now nothing would bless Him more; nothing would please Him more than this demonstration of perfect faith.  

Dawning revelation...Jesus is not at all concerned with my tears or lack thereof, He’s only concerned with my lack of faith…for that alone He intercedes; for that alone He weeps.  No doubt He’s weeping a river right now…perhaps as I draw near to Him a few gracious tears will fall on me.

Somehow I am relieved to know that producing sufficient tears is not the requirement today…talk about being off focused.  Faith, on the other hand, is…faith that will stand and praise the Lord in this night season...faith that will worship no matter how I'm feeling.

Father, revive my faith according to Your lovingkindness during this night season and I will praise and bless Your name all the days of my life.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Tale of the Red Top

Saturday Morning
Today, my mom and I have made plans to go to the mall.  She’s had some birthday money for about a month and this is the first time she’s been motivated to go shopping.   She’s looking for a very specific thing…a red top, not just any red top…it has to be one that will match a certain red necklace and go with a certain gray suit. 

I am resistant to the whole idea…I know from past experience that shopping for just one particular thing can be SO frustrating, like looking for a needle in a haystack.  Not to mention that it is a hot, humid Texas day and everybody and his cousin will be at the mall trying to escape the heat.  Also, shopping is not usually my favorite thing to do.  Most of the time I see it as a ‘have to’ not a ‘get to’…just another chore in the long list of homemaking duties…I really need to be ‘in the mood’ to shop which I’m not today... admittedly not a great attitude.  But the truth is my mom asks for so very little and this is just one small way to bless her.   Though everything in me wants to stay home…I know this is what the Lord is asking me to do today…this is His will…so I really have no choice.

I read this quote last week….

“The things that Jesus did were of the most menial and commonplace order (referring to the time He washed His disciple’s feet) and this is an indication that it takes all God's power in me to do the most commonplace things in His way.”  Oswald Chambers

Most definitely, shopping is one of those ‘menial and commonplace’ things that I need all of God’s power in me to do His way…I get this in my head, but do I really understand it in my heart? 

Tuesday Morning
It’s taken me three days to process through the events of Saturday.  I needed to hear from the Lord first, before I shared anything…to get His perspective...

Our little shopping spree definitely got off to a rough start…  In fact it began every bit as frustrating as I had anticipated; we left late; the weather was miserable; the mall parking lot was packed…I forgot to grab the handicap placard, so I had to push my mom in her wheelchair to and from our parking space located a million miles away from the entrance..  The mall was so crowded that we ended up only going to two stores. As I wheeled my mom up and down over-stuffed isles, my eyes (on which my mother’s completely depend) scanned countless racks for any possible hint of red.  We had a goal and I was fixed on it.  Success for that day had only one definition – the perfect red top!  But for all my efforts, it was a fruitless endeavor.  We finally gave up and headed for the opposite side of town in hopes of less crowds and better results.   We must have looked like two chickens...one crippled...with our heads cut off!  And that would not have been too far from the truth...

The hardest part was the battle between my stubborn flesh and the Spirit that raged every step of the way…which I’m sure had everything to do with ignoring all morning that ‘still small voice’ calling me to surrender my resistant heart to the Lord BEFORE leaving the house…

On the third or fourth time loading the wheelchair into the trunk…sweaty, miserable and tired…patience worn thin, still no success and a couple of stops left to make…I finally broke down.  For the first time that day I found myself once again at the foot of the cross…what a long and weary journey avoiding Calvary Road turned out to be!  Hiding my face behind the lid, I tearfully whispered, “Lord, I’m so done!” 

At once, I began to understand what ‘His way’ really meant…little by little, in light of His grace and mercy things started to make sense and finally today I can verbalize it…

Thus says the LORD, who makes a way in the sea and a path through the mighty waters… Isaiah 43:16

 God’s ‘way’ is through the sea…God’s way is to take ordinary things and accomplish them in extraordinary ways.  There actually was a more direct and less cumbersome route from Egypt to Canaan than the Red Sea, but this was God’s way.   Why this way?  Because it was impossible for the Israelites to go it alone; they absolutely needed God to part the Red Sea so they could pass through to freedom on the other side. They also needed Him to bring the walls of water crashing down on their enemies at the perfect moment.  They had to trust Him every step of the way.  They had to walk by FAITH and not by sight. 

God’s way for me to shop on Saturday was to lead me to the Red Sea or Red Top in this case :-) to teach me to trust Him in all things great and small...which for some reason is so much harder...for the purpose of delivering me from the bondage of my flesh into the freedom of His Spirit while defeating my foes at the same time.  I had left my house on Saturday still in my pride…resistant yet stubbornly determined to succeed…to do my duty because that’s what I ‘had to do’.   I was going to swim that Red Sea if it was the last thing I did!  I was not trusting in God’s power to do His will, and I was not walking, or in this case shopping, by faith, no…I was totally shopping by sight…according to the flesh instead of the Spirit. 

In His kindness, the Lord led me to that moment of repentance behind the lid of my trunk where I could see my need, receive mercy and find grace at last.  God was leading, now I would follow. I knew in an instant where to go...where to find the red top.  There was even ‘a sense’ that I would not have to hunt down every red garment in the store, but that the right one would be in plain view the moment we walked in the door.  With new hope, strengthen faith and fresh energy we headed to the store.  There hanging right on one of the front racks was the perfect red top in all its fashion glory!  So certain we were of its perfectness, that my mom bought it without even trying it on! 

As perfect a gift as that red top turned out to be for my mother, it does not hold a candle to the perfect gift the Lord gave to me that day…another glimpse of His glory to bolster my feeble faith!  Oh, how vast and rich is God’s mercy…to be so kind to undeserving souls... How patient He is to let me go my own way, get stuck in my own mess, then use the very trials I brought on myself to refine my faith in desperately needed ways!  And how sufficient is His grace to perfect His power in me through my weakness!  Oh what lengths He goes to show me His unfailing love!
All for Jesus,
Sheila

Friday, September 17, 2010

At the Cross

                   At the Cross

Where can I take my guilt and shame?
Where can I be washed clean again?
Where can I lay the old life down? 
Where does eternal life begin? 
At the Cross!  At Calvary’s tree!
Where Jesus gave His life for me!

Where do I cease from fruitless works?
Where do I find the rest He gives?
Where does transformation take place?
Where is my life exchanged for His?
At the Cross!  At Calvary’s tree!
Where Jesus gave His life for me!

Where is mercy freely given?
Where do I hear God’s Word speaking?
Where do I find strength for living?
Where’s the Spirit’s faithful leading?
At the Cross!  At Calvary’s tree!
Where Jesus gave His life for me!

Face to the ground, weeping in grief;
Praises mounting on bended knee;
Standing up with hands lifted high;
All surrendered; this place I die.
Crucified with Him, no more strife;
I rise again redeemed for life.
No longer mine but His to claim;
By faith I live in Jesus name.

Why would I look anywhere else?
Why would I wander from this place?
Who in heaven have I but Thee?
Where on earth can I find such grace?
At the Cross!  At Calvary’s tree!
Where Jesus gave His life for me!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Mirror Image

“"I have given you an example that ye should do as I have done to you." (Jn.13:15)  Watch the kind of people God brings around you, and you will be humiliated to find that this is His way of revealing to you the kind of person you have been to Him. Now, He says, exhibit to that one exactly what I have shown to you.”  Oswald Chambers


This little challenge popped off the pages of My Utmost for His Highest recently, immediately grabbing my attention.  I like watching people…it’s something I actually do pretty well, though I admit my motives are sometimes questionable :-)  This was not a totally new concept to me either. In the past, the Lord has often held a mirror up when I’m judging others in order to expose my own sin.  Interesting how my sin always looks so much worse on other people...why is that?  Anyway, this challenge took ‘looking into a mirror’ to a whole new level and I was excited see how the He would use it.


The Holy Spirit wasted no time reminding me of a loved one, who shall remain nameless, who tends to berate herself in moments of extreme frustration.  She says things like, “I’m such a mess!” or “I’m hopeless!” but never really specifies her need or asks for help. The truth is, when she’s in that state of mind, she doesn’t even know what she needs, or how to ask for it.   Sadly, my typical response is to get frustrated or even throw my hands up and leave the room.    


As I was pondering this ongoing dilemma, the Lord began nudging me with thoughts like, “Daughter, that’s you with Me. So often, you come to the cross confessing your sin, complaining about your weaknesses but you don’t ask for what you need…many times you don’t even know what you need.  You cry and throw little fits but you don't come boldly to the throne to find grace to help.  How do I respond to you in those times?  Do I get frustrated or throw up My hands and leave?  Or do I love and help you anyway?” 


Well, just like Mr. Chambers predicted, I was humiliated by what this 'mirror' revealed.  But now with the veil removed from my face, the riches of the glory of God's grace begin to come into focus...just a glimpse mind you, only a preview of things to come, but His glory nonetheless! 

  But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory,
just as by the Spirit of the Lord.
2 Corinthians 3:18




Monday, September 13, 2010

Oh the Wonderful Cross!

September 13, 2010




Yesterday at church, we began a new study in the Book of Galatians. The first message in the series was entitled “The Cross Delivers from Sin".  As I sat listening to our Pastor’s exposition of Galatians 1:3-4, “Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father," I started thinking about the oppressive circumstances of my daily existence and suddenly became overwhelmed with a sense of utter hopelessness. As a 30 year believer in Jesus Christ, who has not only heard, but found strength in these words or words like them in countless times past, I was shocked to discover at that moment, that I could not grasp their meaning or see how they applied to my current situation.



Just a little background… In February, my 84 year old mother came to live with me and my husband in our cozy little home in Flower Mound, Texas. Once a vital, energetic and active member of her community, my mom is now restricted to a sedentary life, in a new town, living far from friends, while suffering daily with the side-effects of multiple strokes and macular degeneration.



Two years ago, when it became apparent that Mom was no longer able to live alone, my sister invited her to live in Las Cruses, New Mexico with her.  That lasted about 11 months... At a point of utter exasperation, my sister called me with a desperate plea to take Mom off her hands. The truth is I would have taken my mother from the beginning, but our empty-nester life had been turned upside down by the recent real estate crash in California.  We were unsettled and caught in the process of figuring out our next step, which ultimately would lead us to relocate in Texas. Assuming my mom was settled for the rest of her life with my sister, we moved into an affordable home…a little 3/2 house, comfortable enough for the two of us and room enough for the occasional guests we hoped would arrive in droves.  Even though we have one daughter and her family living here in Texas, we left behind our 3 other kids and their families in California….but that’s a whole other story to be shared another day…



In a nut shell, most days I’m blessed have my mom living with me and I am grateful to help and give back to her some of what she gave to me. She was a wonderful mother, who dedicated her life to loving and caring for her own family. She and I have always had a great relationship…we share a mutual faith, open communication and like-minded values, but she has entered into a new season of her life and as a result, so have I. In this new season we find our relationship challenged in new and unexpected ways. Her life was dramatically altered over the last four years, ending up in a place she never anticipated nor would have chosen for herself, and so naturally she struggles with acceptance. My life has been dramatically altered as well over the last 4 years, and I too have ended up in a place that I had never anticipated, nor would have chosen for myself.  I am also struggling with acceptance…great combination, huh? What is God thinking? Well, we know His thoughts are not like ours at all...



Mom has good days and bad days…and last week, which led up to my Sunday morning ‘crash and burn’ was one bad day all week! Lack of sleep and constant pain made Mom’s reality unbearable for her and in turn became my burden to bear. Mentally, I toyed with the ‘what ifs’, physically I battled with inertia, and spiritually I was oppressed. My flesh headed down the road it always does with self-pity, discontentment and murmuring paving the way. And I, like a fool, jumped on board for the ride which of course ended in the same place it always does...a pit of miry clay... Will I ever learn?



By Sunday morning I was exhausted and weary, wondering how in the world, the Cross of Jesus Christ could possibly deliver me out of this “present evil age”. Even just thinking about going home filled me with dread...the oppressiveness of my mother’s burdens, coupled with my inability to make things better for her seemed overwhelming and so wrong! Sadly with no possibility of circumstances changing in the near future, my faith waned in the One who suffered the Cross to deliver me from evil.  I could see no way out.



In that moment, I broke. My heart burst open, my eyes welled up, and a silent cry for help emanated deep within. Then in the flash, I understood something I’d failed to recognize in all the misery of the week before. Like a lightening bolt, the truth pierced my heart, penetrating clouds of confusion and despair and finding its way into that broken, fertile ground. I suddenly understood that the difficult circumstances are not the ‘present evil’ I need to be delivered from. The evil from which I need to be delivered is my selfish, unloving attitude…my sin - the evil that “is present with me.” With this realization, came the understanding that as helpless as I am to change my circumstances, I am equally as helpless to change my reactions to them. I can try and try all day long to change myself but I will always fail.  So now what?



Blessed relief!  It happened... He brought me up out of the horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon the Rock! Once again I could see the light of day...the passage in Galatians coming into focus… Oh the Cross, oh the wonderful Cross ‘bids me come and die and find that I might truly live.” So with the Cross before me, I came, confessing my sin to Jesus, and He delivered me from it in that moment! I was free!  The oppression was gone!  You may ask, “Can it really be that simple?” Yes, it really is that simple! That doesn’t mean I won’t be tempted again or even possibly fall into the same snare, but hopefully, the next time, I’ll be wiser, recognize the sin sooner and should I wander, get myself back to the cross faster. Like I said, simple…but not easy…the hardest part is always going to be recognizing the sin in all its many trappings and forms...but then that really is what this blog is all about…

All for Jesus,
Sheila