Definition of 'emote' - to express emotion… I haven’t been doing this well lately. In fact, ‘emotionally constipated’ is a better description of my current state of being. I am hoping that writing will help. The process of forming thoughts suitable for publication requires digging deep into my heart for words…right words…truthful words…words that ‘tell it like it is’. It’s a messy process and the delete key is my best friend, but in the end, more often than not, I find peace…indescribable peace. So please bear with me…
Truth is I have been emoting…but, like I said, just not well. My emotions have run the gamut between angry frustration and joyful peace with a lot of just-plain-numb in between. I believe this is the definition of ambivalence. Unfortunately, my husband has born the brunt of my confusion as displaced emotions erupt over insignificant things. Poor man is weary of this roller coaster ride and quite frankly, so am I.
Lord Jesus, help us…
I am grieving. On October 29, 2011 my mother passed away and I miss her. This world is a much darker place now without her. Despite this, I grieve with hope because I’m sure of two things; that my mom is standing before the throne of God basking in the love of her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ and that I will see her again when we meet on eternity's shores. This hope is an anchor to my weary storm-tossed soul. Nonetheless, on this side…where I live…nighttime has set in and darkness abounds.
To everything there is a season…
“Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Definition of 'weep': to shed (tears) as an expression of emotion: weep bitter tears of remorse…to express grief or anguish for; lament…
Jesus wept. Shedding tears is an acceptable way to emote.
I would love to weep right now, if only to experience the joy that follows. I think a good cry would help me feel better, but tears elude me. Sounds very self-serving doesn't it? In moments of grief, just when I’m about to break down…everything shuts down and my tears dry up before they start to fall, then instead of relief, numbness sets in...very dissatisfying.
Don’t misunderstand, I do cry, just not over the right things. I cry over stupid, self-centered things like why isn’t he (Chuck) considering ME…MY feelings, MY needs. No joy follows those tears. What is wrong with me that my tears shed only for selfish reasons? My heart is in serious need of repair…
Lord Jesus, please fix me…
Jesus wept about right things. He wept when others grieved. He wept for His friends. When Martha and Mary’s faith was tested in the dark valley of their brother, Lazarus’ death, Jesus wept for them.
Is it possible Lord, that You are weeping for me?
This morning’s devotional from Streams in the Desert was based on Psalm 134:1-3…
Behold, bless the LORD,
All you servants of the LORD,
Who by night stand in the house of the LORD!
Lift up your hands in the sanctuary,
And bless the LORD.
The LORD who made heaven and earth
Bless you from Zion!
This commentary followed…
“Strange time for adoration, you say, to stand in God’s house by night, to worship in the depth of sorrow—it is indeed an arduous thing. Yes, and therein lies the blessing, it is the test of perfect faith…”
Hummm…how true…worshiping the Lord right now in this night season is very hard; standing in His house acknowledging His presence is hard; lifting my hands to Him in sweet surrender is hard. But right now nothing would bless Him more; nothing would please Him more than this demonstration of perfect faith.
Dawning revelation...Jesus is not at all concerned with my tears or lack thereof, He’s only concerned with my lack of faith…for that alone He intercedes; for that alone He weeps. No doubt He’s weeping a river right now…perhaps as I draw near to Him a few gracious tears will fall on me.
Somehow I am relieved to know that producing sufficient tears is not the requirement today…talk about being off focused. Faith, on the other hand, is…faith that will stand and praise the Lord in this night season...faith that will worship no matter how I'm feeling.
Father, revive my faith according to Your lovingkindness during this night season and I will praise and bless Your name all the days of my life.
Sheila my heart agrees with yours. I am so saddened to hear of your loss and I have lost also. Maureen my sponsor, mentor and my best of friends <3 Being so far away and with the financial times we are in, I was sorry to miss the memorial in Bishop. My family attended and I hope they expressed how sorry I am to for you and all of your siblings also. Please know how much I miss our Maureen. We will meet again soon. In Christs love, Rose Ann
ReplyDeleteOh Rose Ann, I know how much Mom meant to you and how much you meant to her. You two shared a beautiful relationship...one that honored the Lord. Your family's presence at the memorial was a total blessing and through them your presence was felt as well. Thank you for your kind words...
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